I wish I could see your face.
I miss looking into your green eyes and knowing where I belong and what's my place.
I wanted to write you a letter. Explain all my ins and outs. But now that I'm here, I don't know what to say or what it is I am all about.
I know that I want to say sorry
for all of my character traits
that disappoint me and you and my family and friends and every other person in between.
I have lots of problems,
the biggest i think is trust.
But worst than that its me in which I can't decide to trust.
I have a problem with lying
and I'm not really sure why
I can't tell the ones that love me
about the ones i love inside.
I find a lot of irony in so many things. That I get overwhelmed (or underwhelmed) when things don't happen certain ways.
I'm straying from what I meant to say. Give me time to find my voice. I get distracted often and loose my path of primary choice.
I'm sorry.
I know I frustrate you. I know how strong you love me and that your waiting for me to love you that way too.
The way I love you may not be as strong as yours for mine. Or as willful. Or as truthful. Or as well described.
But I give you everything that I have, if that's enough for you.
I will never be able to love another soul the same way that I love you.
I don't want to live without you.
I don't want to love in lies.
I don't want to tell my parents.
I don't know where to hide.
I don't want to disappoint you, but I know I already have.
I don't want for you to be lonely, frustrated or sad.
Tell me that you love me. That everything is okay. Tell me you'll never leave me. You'll never go astray. Tell me that you'll stick by me no matter what I say. And tell me all of this, even if you lie.
I know you've already told me all of these things and more.
And now it's my time to put on the britches and tell them all what for.
I promise you,
I will stand up.
I will face the truth.
I will do all you ask
just give me time to come up for breath, breathe the air and ask what next.
My fortune told me that psychologically today I would feel my age. That there are a considerable number of people walking around who are younger than me today. They asked me to say so what? that youthfullness was a state of mind , to indulge in irresponsible frolic, to be free and energetic in my mind. I was once this way and I don't remember when, I lost the youthfulness of my name, to be bright as day, and happy and free. Isn't that who I'm supposed to be?
i've had a lot of heart ache
for which you're not to blame
but that's how i got here void of youth
childless and afraid.
the point of this letter was to tell you that one day I would speak, but don't you see its hard to break a silence that runs so deep. It goes beyond our relationship, high school and much more. it goes back to days when i spent the time alone in my childhood room, afraid to speak the thoughts on my mind, driven to think until i was blind. call it a syndrome, an autistic whim or something yet diagnosed. i'm blind from seeing the reality that most decide to dismiss. today i am not young, but old. I feel much older than i seem. i rub my hands along my face. i hope the lines will soon disappear, leave no mark here or there.
The only point of this letter is to say:
I'm sorry, please don't disappear, I need you near and near.
Each day we inch closer to the time you look forward to, but that I fear. When I say it, I'll hold my head strong. I'll build you up, I'll never let you down. I'll be the one you need me to be. I'll tell them all the truth. Then we'll live in pain and fear but in each others arms we'll find the truth. But until then, I'm loosing a nephew, I'm loosing trust, I'm loosing some innocence, I'm loosing the baby's place. But I'm filling it with you, which is all I need and all I could come to want. No one makes it easy to get what you want. Guess life isn't supposed to be that way. Blissful, through and through, as long as you hold my hand, I'll do whatever you want me to do.
I say it again.
This time clear and strong, I love you.
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