watching the hour glass, it's running out!

waiting
It's the hardest thing I do
waiting for you to come to me
waiting for me to come to you
Days they pass
Nights they fade
they don't mean anything when your away
waiting for you to come to me
seems like the longest of long eternities

waiting
the tics they slow to a snails pace
and sometimes they even try to escape
freeze the clock
turn back the time
waiting waiting on a dime
"spin, spin, spin" i scream
at all things round and in between
the space that keeps you from me
waiting waiting for you to be

it drives me crazy
my hair's a mess
standing up
in birds nests

its the waiting that going to ruin my mind
leaving me here alone in time
you'll never experience how hard it is to wait for me to come near

but then again your waiting too
waiting for me to do what i've always promised i'd do
maybe your waiting's harder than mine
because your waiting does not rhyme

i'm sorry i've kept you waiting long, just a few more minutes on the ticking time bomb . . .

loosing smiles

little fingers play on the lines of my face

dreams that come but never gain

control of life or find their place

little fingers soon replaced

lay them still down by my side

what can we do but try not to cry

mourn the missing empty space

you will soon try to replace

in the closet what to wear

black like night seems to bare

but too harsh for such a soul

little baby fingers and toes

will they lay you down to rest

in a bed of eternity’s peace

paint your face and brush down your hair

we will all miss the blue eyes and cowlicks you bared

little questions from children’s voices

answers seldom fulfill the void

no one understands the choices in this world

we can't answer your questions little girl

store him somewhere close to you

your heart, your sleeve, your pocket, your dreams

you've been cursed with the fairness of this earth

from birth to death you will face the worst

Balancing acts & new tune tuesday

The best and worst weekend in a long time.

Thank you to everyone for your support, love, comfort and words. I will be coordinating a race in Logan's memory for his first birthday, if you would like to donate or be involved, please contact me. And I'll post more when I figure it all out. There's lots to do and little time to do it in. Logan's first birthday is less than a month away. 

Happy Tuesday and Valentine's Day. Here is a kinda creepy, but incredibly awesome tune for your day. 

 

Oldie but a goodie

To the One I love

Hi, good morning, I love you, how are you?

I wish I could see your face.

I miss looking into your green eyes and knowing where I belong and what's my place.

I wanted to write you a letter. Explain all my ins and outs. But now that I'm here, I don't know what to say or what it is I am all about. 

I know that I want to say sorry

for all of my character traits

that disappoint me and you and my family and friends and every other person in between. 

I have lots of problems,

the biggest i think is trust.

But worst than that its me in which I can't decide to trust.

I have a problem with lying

and I'm not really sure why

I can't tell the ones that love me

about the ones i love inside. 

I find a lot of irony in so many things. That I get overwhelmed (or underwhelmed) when things don't happen certain ways. 

I'm straying from what I meant to say. Give me time to find my voice. I get distracted often and loose my path of primary choice. 

I'm sorry.

I know I frustrate you. I know how strong you love me and that your waiting for me to love you that way too. 

The way I love you may not be as strong as yours for mine. Or as willful. Or as truthful. Or as well described. 

But I give you everything that I have, if that's enough for you.

I will never be able to love another soul the same way that I love you. 

I don't want to live without you.

I don't want to love in lies.

I don't want to tell my parents.

I don't know where to hide.

I don't want to disappoint you, but I know I already have.

I don't want for you to be lonely, frustrated or sad.

Tell me that you love me. That everything is okay. Tell me you'll never leave me. You'll never go astray. Tell me that you'll stick by me no matter what I say. And tell me all of this, even if you lie. 

I know you've already told me all of these things and more.

And now it's my time to put on the britches and tell them all what for.

I promise you, 

I will stand up.

I will face the truth.

I will do all you ask

just give me time to come up for breath, breathe the air and ask what next.

My fortune told me that psychologically today I would feel my age. That there are a considerable number of people walking around who are younger than me today. They asked me to say so what? that youthfullness was a state of mind , to indulge in irresponsible frolic, to be free and energetic in my mind. I was once this way and I don't remember when, I lost the youthfulness of my name, to be bright as day, and happy and free. Isn't that who I'm supposed to be? 

i've had a lot of heart ache

for which you're not to blame

but that's how i got here void of youth

childless and afraid.

the point of this letter was to tell you that one day I would speak, but don't you see its hard to break a silence that runs so deep. It goes beyond our relationship, high school and much more. it goes back to days when i spent the time alone in my childhood room, afraid to speak the thoughts on my mind, driven to think until i was blind. call it a syndrome, an autistic whim or something yet diagnosed. i'm blind from seeing the reality that most decide to dismiss. today i am not young, but old. I feel much older than i seem. i rub my hands along my face. i hope the lines will soon disappear, leave no mark here or there. 

The only point of this letter is to say:

I'm sorry, please don't disappear, I need you near and near.

Each day we inch closer to the time you look forward to, but that I fear. When I say it, I'll hold my head strong. I'll build you up, I'll never let you down. I'll be the one you need me to be. I'll tell them all the truth. Then we'll live in pain and fear but in each others arms we'll find the truth. But until then, I'm loosing a nephew, I'm loosing trust, I'm loosing some innocence, I'm loosing the baby's place. But I'm filling it with you, which is all I need and all I could come to want. No one makes it easy to get what you want. Guess life isn't supposed to be that way. Blissful, through and through, as long as you hold my hand, I'll do whatever you want me to do. 

I say it again. 

This time clear and strong, I love you. 

filling the void with pain or pleasure

Are you one of those people, you know the ones, that get a bit of pain out of pleasure that rubs the salt in the wound, just to feel the sting? Does it make you feel alive? Does it clear your head? Does it make you sleep better at night? Does it make you forget the dread?

I hate to say this out loud to often.
I don't like facing the truth,
but I live in the void where pleasure and pain
equals the insanity of my age.

Down with the people
their smiling faces
exuberating positive faith.
Up with the skeletal frightening things
to put us all in our place.

Fill the void with whatever you want
but know the hole runs on.
The more you fill the deeper it gets
until you fall face forward,
no need to wait until dawn.

Down the rabbit hole 

hands held high

you'll never find your way out.

Caged like elephants too big to tame

but too scared of the tiny little mouse.

The clock, tick tock,

round and round it goes

wind it up and let it go.

Time moves forward,

Time stands still.

Imagine what you want

when you take your little pills.

Tick, Tock, it's 8 o'clock,

Time to go to work.

Tick Tock, it's 5 o'clock

head on back to home.

The clock keeps ticking on and on, 

No matter where you go

fill the void with pleasure or pain

you still won't know where to go.

KILL DEVIL HILLS

A little sand filled town, on the edge of the earth, shaped by waves, wind, and southern hospitality. A little town where flight began and dreams are as frequent as the waves. A little town that smells and stings with salt. A little town that was once home to pirates and wenches and a rum strong enough to kill the devil. A little town that I will call home.