This is not good for a person with my balance. The drop is far, but my heightened sense of perception, my fear of falling, my adrenaline distorts the distance. It’s not really as far as it seems. It may not even matter, but that’s not what my mind tells me. My mind screams. My mind makes me shaky. My mind makes my toes curl around the edge of the ledge. My mind is freaking out.
I shut my eyes. Also something not good for a person with my balance and a person in my current mental state. It is dark. The wind is cool. What do I see? It’s just a decision. Just a do or don’t. Why am I so scared? Why can’t I? Why won’t I? What do I have to lose? A strong gust of wind blows in my face as if to say, I dare you. I back up, frightened. I give it one last look before turning around away from the ledge. Not today.
I have been here for months. I am not going to slip and fall. I am not going to be pushed. I need to say yes, but I can’t. Instead I say no, by saying nothing at all. I return the next day. And the day after that. And the day after that.
I go find my bed. It has been made, but I still lie in it.
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