I have a knack for loving things that are depressingly,
beautifully sad. Like the graveyard song, which I originally heard on the show
Parenthood and that since has been stuck in my head inevitably. I just love the
line about getting clean and waking at a decent hour. Oh how many times that
goes through my head in a day. Waking and going for a run, losing the gut of
drink, but my life is too set in stone, sometimes things are just too difficult
to change. I will always love that which
is sad and beautiful and lonesome and true. I think that’s why I love to write.
To delve deep into the unknown of myself and pull up things that don’t exist,
but are so beautiful and so true.
Right now I am writing this on the end of my business plan.
And writing this business plan is like writing a chemistry lab report,
difficult and unknown (and something I truly hated in school). I am struggling.
I am truly struggling. I have this vision of myself, but I’m not sure how to
get from where I am now to where I’d like to be. So I take it slow, I start to
write a plan, I take a fork in the road and as I follow the path I begin to forget
why I’m going in that direction and my mind starts to imagine how wonderful the
other path could be and then suddenly I’m on that path instead, or I’m nowhere
at all and I am lost in desire.
I have this fear mostly. Or maybe it’s that I truly don’t
know what I want out of this life. Am I alone in this thought? I see people
with such clear life plans. Those working hard in grad school to get jobs, “real”
jobs in finance or public health. Their path is so very defined.
What does this say of me?
Sometimes I wake up in the morning exhausted. I look under the
covers to check my legs for cuts and scrapes and little signs of where I have
been, but then I remember it is all just a dream. I remember my path is
overgrown and thorny and that it’s not really a path at all but a track of
land, woods in which I roam. Sometimes in my dreams, I am running through it
like a nightmare. That’s when I wake and I am sure I am bleeding around my
ankles. Other times I am hacking down thorns and vines with a blade, blazing my
path, but most of the time I am sitting, deep in thought wondering where to go
next.
This business plan is not helping. It seems like a desire
that will never be reached. Am I putting too much into this? This something
that I will spend the rest of my life doing, should it really matter that much?
In the meantime, I do the little things. Kiss my baby on the
lips and say I love you. Rub the pup’s tummy when she rolls over. Paint little
encouraging things. Till the soil and encourage things to grow. Work on a
business plan or two and listen to the graveyard song.
No comments:
Post a Comment